How shifting dynamics can create
space for a new and thriving relationship
[T]he relationships you have with those “who knew you when” can be
some of the most validating when we’re questioning our worthiness for our current role … .
By Meg McKeen, CIC
It’s often said that insurance is a relationship business, and it’s our relationships with our co-workers that are often the most fulfilling.
There’s just no one else who understands like co-workers do. For example, the meaning behind the loud sigh that accidentally escaped when an email from that annoying client hit your inbox. That eye roll behind the back of a most intolerable co-worker. Reading between the lines of the jargon-filled corporate message you both received. The daily or weekly chats to unpack all these things and more.
Good co-workers just get it, and good co-worker relationships just make everything even better. While we love this dynamic—gosh, we might even come to rely on it when our own energy or enthusiasm for what we do wanes—what happens when a new power dynamic is created?
What happens when your co-worker becomes your boss?
Whether you identify as a leader or a co-worker as you read what follows, consider how honoring this shifting dynamic can create space for a new and thriving relationship.
Honor what was
This promotion earned by your co-worker—let’s be real, your friend—represents a change in your relationship status. Your knowing and relating to one another is entering a new, unproven season, and in many ways will never be the same. For your friend to succeed in their new role, it simply cannot be the same.
It’s okay if you’re feeling a sense of grief or loss for your inside jokes, your routines, or your shared experiences. Because we all navigate grief differently, allow space and time to name your feelings. Are you feeling mad? Sad? Indifferent? Something else?
Consider journaling, meditation, or talking through your feelings with a friend or confidant. It’s important to allow space to acknowledge the struggle if you’re feeling it.
Name the elephant
There’s no denying that this shift in your relationship represents a change, and change can fundamentally be hard. After all, you aren’t co-workers, conspirators, or co-partners in crime anymore—you and your co-worker-turned-boss are sitting at disparate levels within the hierarchy that exists within so many of our organizations.
If you’re feeling a certain way about this change, it’s likely your friend-turned-boss is feeling their own version of it, too. Can you acknowledge the proverbial elephant in the room and open up a line of communication around it?
A sample conversation opener might sound like: “I know this is a shift for both of us, and I want to make sure that we can head off any awkwardness while we navigate this transition. Can we chat for a few minutes, just us?”
Conversation is so often the remedy for what ails us, and in talking about it, we can temper any anxiousness we might be feeling about the change that’s happening.
Hey jealousy
I mentioned anger and sadness above, but what if you’re also feeling a twinge of jealousy now that your co-worker has moved on and up?
Perhaps they earned the promotion you had your eyes on, or it’s been earned too soon, before you think they’re ready for it. It’s also possible that their new leadership role will come with more visibility and more exposure to decision makers, stakeholders and those even closer to the top.
If you’re honest with yourself, it may be visibility and exposure that you’d really like to have, too.
Remember you’re not wrong to be feeling happy for your friend, and a little envious, too. Both emotions are a valid part of the human experience, and as it’s been said many times, both can be true.
Managing up
The comfort and familiarity that you and your new boss share can be accompanied by assumptions—that the feedback loop is open and that “no news is good news.” Whenever these dynamics shift, it’s necessary to set new or reaffirm existing boundaries and expectations within our relationships. And if your new boss is at all like the one I described above, it may be you who has to establish these new boundaries.
A few things to consider:
If you’re not already in the habit of meeting regularly, consider suggesting to your boss a standing meeting, at weekly or bi-weekly intervals, to talk through any challenges either of you may be experiencing in real time.
The shared history you have will be a great foundation for the new dynamic you are creating. Yes, you might still feel like you know what the other is thinking, but the shorthand or sarcasm that they used to express it in the past may not be the most supportive for you going forward. Don’t be hesitant to advocate for new methods of communication or for clarity in the messages you’re receiving.
While change is underway, you can still be a champion for your boss’s success in their new role, as they can be for you. Knowing them as you do, you likely see their blind spots, their strengths, and their areas for growth—all of which will be invaluable information for them as they develop their own leadership style.
You deserve a leader, not a friend
One of the easiest ways to navigate change is to just ignore it. But a cautionary tale from my own experience shows you that this approach is a missed opportunity for a leader today.
Earlier in my career, much like the scenario we’ve been working with here, a co-worker received a promotion and became the boss of the team they’d previously been a part of. They struggled with this change in dynamic; boundaries were blurry, they were hesitant to use their authority, and there was an “I’m here if you need me” energy around our interactions.
Since I very much prefer a hands-off approach, and thrive in this sort of environment, it was all fine with me—until it wasn’t.
I soon found myself in a tricky situation with a co-worker and, after approaching my boss for guidance in navigating it, it became clear that my boss’s personal relationship with my co-worker was going to prevent them from resolving it. My concerns were diminished and then ultimately dismissed with their need to maintain friendship outweighing my need for support.
I share this story as a reminder that a quintessential function of today’s leader is to clear the path for their team members’ success. And sometimes that means doing the hard thing, not the popular thing.
Before we go
If you’re a first-time leader, you might be experiencing a host of feelings right now—those expressed here being just a few. Know that the relationships you have with those “who knew you when” can be some of the most validating when we’re questioning our worthiness for our current role or experiencing imposter syndrome.
If you’re feeling the understandable need to overcompensate for what you may not yet know in your new role, resist it, and remember that your ability to see and relate with those around you is what earned you this new role in the first place.
This piece was inspired by a one-on-one coaching session I led; if you have a leadership challenge you’d like help navigating, we may feature your question in a future edition of Let’s Lead. Submit your question via email at meg@adjunctadvisors.com or visit adjunctadvisors.com/contact —Meg.
The author
Meg McKeen, CIC, founded Adjunct Advisors LLC in 2018 with the simple belief that we can, and must, do more to support the individuals who choose a career in the insurance industry. Her experience working for more than two decades in underwriting, leadership, and sales within the industry fuels her work as a consultant today, in which Meg now holds space, at the crossroads of personal and professional development, for insurance professionals as they navigate the challenges of our shifting relationship with work and this current hard market. Meg’s work includes private and small group coaching, workshop facilitation, industry event speaking and planning engagements, and the podcast she hosts, Bound & Determinedsm. Learn more at www.adjunctadvisors.com.
