Five traits that show up consistently
in mentors who make a difference
By Ryan Spalding
“Remember, it is just advice; you don’t have to take it.”
That is how one of my mentors ends each one of our sessions, although I edited out one of the words he likes to use when he says it.
The first time he said that to me, I was a little taken aback. Our meeting was to discuss a difficult conversation with someone who had been critical to our growth, but the job had outgrown their skillsets. At no point in time do I remember any advice being given to me, but I chuckled at his comment and realized he was right about everything, even though he didn’t give me any direct advice.
That moment forced me to rethink what mentorship really is. It wasn’t about getting a set of instructions. It was about someone guiding me toward my own conclusions, even if it meant sitting in uncertainty.
Misconceptions of a mentor
Everyone will tell you that you should have a mentor or even a few when you get into the insurance industry. What they won’t tell you is how to find a great one.
Once you drop the assumptions about what a mentor should look like, you can focus on spotting the habits and behaviors that separate an average mentor from a career-changing one.
When you are just starting out, it’s easy to build a picture in your head of what a great mentor should be. Most likely, you picture someone older and wiser, who is just going to hand you a roadmap to follow. In reality, great mentors don’t hand out the answers. A great mentor will ask the kinds of questions that make you think and solve the problems yourself. What they’re really doing is steering you, just like a negotiator steering a deal toward the right outcome.
Finding the right mentor isn’t about chasing the person with the fanciest title or biggest book of business. You want to find someone who listens with intent, practices empathy, asks questions, encourages discomfort, and builds your thinking.
You won’t figure out if a potential mentor has these skills by looking at their résumé or organizational chart. The only way to know is by observing them with others and reflecting on your own interactions with them.
In insurance, where success often hinges on judgment calls and long-term relationships, these five traits show up consistently in the mentors who make the biggest difference.
- Listens with intent. The best mentors treat listening like a skill. They make eye contact, pick up on subconscious words used, and will reframe your words back to you to make sure they understand what you are saying. You’ll notice they are not distracted by their phone or what is going on around them. After you leave them, you will feel like your words mattered, and your trust in them will grow.
Ask yourself, are they listening to understand or just waiting for their turn to talk? Do they let you fully explain your thoughts or interrupt you because they assume what you are going to say next?
Listening is the doorway. Once they fully understand your position, great mentors connect it to your reality through empathy.
- Practices empathy. Empathy isn’t about telling you what you want to hear; it is about showing you that they understand where you are coming from, so they can help you move forward. The right mentor listens long enough not only for facts but also for the feelings behind them. Practicing empathy doesn’t mean they will always side with your thoughts; it just means they are acknowledging your reality.
You will notice that they will acknowledge your challenges, without minimizing them, and maybe share a story with you about something they went through or someone else they know that is similar to your circumstances.
Empathy creates trust, and trust opens the door for the mentor to challenge you with questions that go beyond surface answers.
- Asks questions. You might leave a visit with your mentor feeling like you answered hundreds of questions, which is exactly how you should feel. They will use questions to slow you down, challenge your thoughts, and get you to look at a problem from all angles. Over time, you will begin to realize that these questions aren’t only about problem solving; they are about teaching you how to think differently.
You will spot a great mentor who does this by determining if their questions make you pause to think, that they focus on your reasoning more than your conclusion, and that they’ll resist the urge to give you advice.
The best questions often lead you into territory that feels uncertain or uncomfortable.
- Encourages discomfort. The mentors who help you grow the most are the ones who won’t let you stay comfortable. If you work in the same firm, they’ll intentionally put you in situations that stretch your skills. They are preparing you for moments when you’ll have to perform without them or another safety net.
Once you drop the assumptions about what
a mentor should look like, you can focus on spotting
the habits and behaviors that separate an
average mentor from a career-changing one.
Have you ever seen them put someone in a situation that didn’t fit? Maybe they had someone lead a presentation who is deathly afraid of public speaking, and it didn’t go that well. It wasn’t about that presentation; it was about the next one and the one after it.
Maybe the mentor is an outsider of your firm. They might invite you to a bigger stage, introduce you to an opportunity you don’t think you are ready for, or provide you with some uncomfortable honesty.
Look for someone who is always challenging others beyond their boundaries and is candid in their approach. These moments outside your comfort zone aren’t just about the task at hand. They’re training grounds for making sharper, faster decisions when it counts.
- Builds your thinking. A great mentor doesn’t want to be your problem-solver forever. Their ultimate goal is to make themselves unnecessary. They will focus on shaping how you process information, evaluate options, and make decisions.
When they do provide you with advice, they will explain the “why” behind it and then encourage you to evaluate the different options in your situation based on the various outcomes that you think would result from different decisions.
Pay attention to the thought process behind their advice. Do you feel like you make stronger decisions because of your time together?
When you put these traits together, you get more than advice; you get a mentor who changes the way you think, act, and approach every deal.
Conclusion
It is not easy to find a great mentor, and that odds are that you’ll have various mentors throughout your career based on your then-current needs. The right mentor will listen with intent, practice empathy, ask the kinds of questions that force you to think deeper, encourage you to step into uncomfortable situations, and build your ability to think and act for yourself.
Those traits may not always be obvious at first, and they won’t always make you feel comfortable in the moment. But if you pay attention and choose the right person, you’ll look back and realize that their influence shaped not just your career, but the way you approach every challenge. In an industry built on trust, relationships, and judgment, that’s the kind of growth that will outlast any single policy or deal that you ever place.
Remember, this is just advice on how to find a great mentor; you don’t have to take it.
The author
Ryan Spalding is an insurance consultant with Texas-based ERA Group, who focuses on cost optimization and risk management for healthcare providers, nonprofits, and middle-market businesses. He brings more than 16 years of experience in property and casualty insurance, having previously led a specialty brokerage through significant growth.
