Five behaviors that limit your impact
No matter how much you know and how good your ideas are, if your
behavior communicates disempowerment, you’ll never be taken as seriously as you deserve.
By Kimberly Paterson, CEC
Hear the word power, and what likely comes to mind is a person with authority or title who uses their position to control, coerce, or dominate others.
We’re talking about a different kind of power—personal power. It has nothing to do with where someone sits in the organizational hierarchy and everything to do with how they view themselves and their ability to positively influence people and events. If you’re like most people, you know someone like this, but have never stopped to consider what makes them powerful.
What separates people who have personal power from those who don’t? There are two significant differences based on research conducted by Chris Lipp, professor of practice and director of management communications at Tulane University’s Freeman School of Business.
The first is mindset. Empowered people believe they have control over their environment. Even if they know they can’t fully control the outcome, they trust in their ability to have an impact. Disempowered people think that “it is what it is” and that attempts to fight the status quo are futile, so why expend the effort or take the risk?
Second, powerful people are guided by their own values and goals. They know who they are and what is important to them. Their actions consistently align with their values; they are perceived as authentic, reliable and trustworthy.
People who lack personal power are typically driven by the need for approval. They worry about how others see and judge them. Their desire to be viewed favorably by others shapes their opinions and actions rather than their internal compass. Over time, colleagues don’t trust or seek their feedback because they’re not confident it’s genuine.
Behaviors that destroy personal power
Whether you’re in a leadership role, business development, client service or managing markets, these common behaviors weaken your personal power:
- Micromanaging. This is a sign of insecurity or low self-esteem. It stems from the need to control others. Being in control makes micromanagers feel powerful and in authority. They build their ego but chip away at others’ confidence, creativity and desire to contribute.
- People pleasing. People lacking in personal power often mistake being likable for the ability to build effective relationships. Evolutionarily speaking, we’re prosocial beings; understandably, we want to be liked and accepted. When taken to the extreme, being likable and affable is exhausting.
It takes effort to radiate likability and often forces the person to assume a false sense of self. They pretend to think and feel one way when they feel another. People sense their lack of sincerity and are put off by the lack of inauthenticity. - Blaming. When people try to distance themselves from their mistakes or failures, they send a message to themselves and others that they are powerless.
- Going along to get along. Human brains are wired not to rock the boat. It stems from a fear of being labeled as a troublemaker, embarrassing others, or making colleagues uncomfortable—anything that could lead to rejection by the group. People who lack personal power avoid conflict. Even when the risk level is high, most people will choose to stay silent.
A study called Silence Kills, conducted by VitalSmarts and the American Association of Critical-Care Nurses (AACN), reported that 84% of medical professionals observed colleagues who took dangerous shortcuts when caring for patients; yet, despite the risks to patients, less than 10% of physicians, nurses, and other clinical staff directly confronted their colleagues about their concerns. People with personal power have the courage to speak up when a dissenting view is needed.
- Needing to be right. These people need to win the argument, have the last word in every email volley, dominate the conversation, and hold fast to their opinion even when all the evidence is to the contrary. Being wrong is a blow to their ego. Their desire to always be right is a flashing neon sign of their insecurity and need for constant validation.
Increasing your personal power
Personal power isn’t a fixed characteristic engrained in your personality. It’s a combination of skills and attributes that anyone can acquire through learning, conscious choices and daily practice. Key strategies and behaviors to focus on are:
- Identifying your values. Recognize what’s important to you and how you want to live. Keeping your values top of mind shapes your behavior and helps you prioritize your time and make smart decisions about what you choose to engage in. Values-driven people convey confidence and authenticity—both characteristics of personal power.
A research paper published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences illustrates the power of reflecting on values. The study, conducted by science and technology university ETH Zurich, showed that people who spent 15 minutes writing about their values prior to a job interview bolstered their confidence and doubled their chances of being hired.
It’s fair to conclude that this practice would be equally as powerful before making an important presentation, meeting a new client or entering a difficult negotiation. - Aligning actions and values. Research shows that people who live according to their values have less stress and burnout and more energy and well-being. There is often more disparity between our values and actions than we realize. Our subconscious pays close attention to our actions. It’s our behavior, not values that shape our self-image.
Two tools to assess alignment between your values and actions are Daily Questions and the Enhanced-to Do List. If you’d like free copies, email kpaterson@cim-co.com. - Staying focused on the big picture. Whether it’s prioritizing workload or meeting with a colleague, people with personal power know what they want to accomplish. They are highly skilled at connecting the dots, concentrating on what matters, and not allowing themselves to become distracted by “the noise.”
- Getting good at saying “no.” Set and communicate clear boundaries. When requests don’t align with personal and organizational priorities or bandwidth, don’t feel obligated to say “yes.” People worry that if they say no, they may offend a co-worker and risk damaging the relationship.
In team-oriented cultures saying no can feel like violating workplace norms. There is a limit to our bandwidth. We seldom stop to consider that when we say yes to one thing, we’re saying no to something else. Agreeing to work on too many projects can push your high-value work to the back burner, leave you stretched thin and stressed and force you to deliver less than you promise.
While it may be awkward and uncomfortable at first, the ability to say “no” is empowering. When used with skill and diplomacy, your colleagues will respect your ability to set limits. - Embracing accountability. If you blame people or circumstances for mistakes, you surrender your power. When things go wrong, look inward. Reflect on the role you played or could have played in achieving a better outcome. When you hold yourself and others accountable, you destroy the illusion of powerlessness. Appreciate that while accountability may feel uncomfortable, it is empowering.
- Making your voice heard. Be an active participant. Ask the critical question others are afraid to broach. Facilitate the meeting so it stays on point. Offer an alternate perspective when groupthink takes over the discussion. Add an insight that connects the dots. It’s not about dominating the dialogue; it’s about being the person who advances the conversation. The more you practice, the easier it will get.
Knowing when to comply and when to defy. People with personal power dare to challenge the status quo and question decisions. While this is healthy, when taken to extremes there’s a risk of being seen as someone who obstructs progress. It’s vital to choose your opportunities carefully.
Before challenging a decision or someone’s actions, ask yourself these four questions: 1) What would someone with my values do in this situation? 2) Does the decision or behavior go against the organization’s values? 3) Can I impact the outcome? 4) Is the potential cost worth the benefit?
Why personal power matters
Building personal power takes awareness and practice. A good place to start is reviewing the bulleted list under the “Increasing Your Personal Power” subhead and identifying which behaviors you need to develop. Choose the one that feels most important for you. Start slowly. For example, if you need to get more comfortable saying no, choose a situation where the risk is low and work up to higher stakes situations. If you’re reluctant to speak up in meetings, set a goal to ask one question at the next meeting. Once you’re feeling more proficient at the first behavior you chose, tackle another one.
Building your personal power is worth the effort. It will enrich your life and ability to achieve your goals. People will be drawn to your confidence and optimism. You will inspire trust. Colleagues will respect and seek your opinion and be more inclined to support your ideas. Not only will personal power contribute to your success, but it will also lift up the people around you. The behavior you model will inspire others. As a leader, you will create a supportive and positive working environment.
The author
Kimberly Paterson, Certified Executive Coach and Master Energy Leadership Coach, is president of CIM (www.cim-co.com). CIM works with organizations and individuals to maximize performance through positive lasting behavioral change. Her clients are property and casualty insurance companies, agencies and brokers. She can be reached at kpaterson@cim-co.com. Follow Kimberly on www.linkedin.com/in/kimberly-paterson.
